laugh for the day

170FC · 10-15-2005, 05:49 PM

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with
a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total
$21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store
and buy a case of oil,filter, kitty litter, hand
cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00..
2) Stop by beer store and buy a case of beer,
write a check for $20....00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink
it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use pliers.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot
oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off
of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled
oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter
wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a
beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can
go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish
the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out
from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back yard instead of taking it back to a recycler
to recycle the oil.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step
18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to beer store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a
hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain
plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand
from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash
drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now
on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into
eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain
plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step
31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid pliers.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because pliers
hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new
motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under
the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound
fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total--
$4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right!

JMJ80 · 10-15-2005, 07:40 PM

thats great!!!!

2006GTOLS2 · 10-15-2005, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 170FC

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with
a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total
$21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store
and buy a case of oil,filter, kitty litter, hand
cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00..
2) Stop by beer store and buy a case of beer,
write a check for $20....00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink
it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use pliers.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot
oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off
of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled
oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter
wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a
beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can
go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish
the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out
from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back yard instead of taking it back to a recycler
to recycle the oil.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step
18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to beer store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a
hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain
plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand
from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash
drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now
on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into
eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain
plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step
31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid pliers.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because pliers
hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new
motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under
the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound
fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total--
$4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right!

LOL......