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post #1 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
 
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Joke thread

Potentially vs. Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

One for the Teacher...
Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy, that's correct!" Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"

"Some people are like slinky's. They really have no useful purpose, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down stairs."
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post #2 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 04:11 PM
 
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Two muffins go into an oven. One muffin says to the other "man it's getting hot in here". The other muffin replys "Holy crap a talking muffin".
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post #3 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 06:28 PM
 
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Sermon on Horseback Riding


It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to
think of a sermon for the next morning.
About 9:00 p.m., he finally said to his wife,"Dear, I think I've come
up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about
horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about
horseback riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached
on just about every other subject I can think of at church."

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said,
"I can't believe that you're still insisting on doing this! You know,
if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding,
I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."

He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car!
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden
inspiration and gave a hellfire and brimstone sermon on SEX
that just had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the
members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her
window. One of them said, "Wow! You just missed the best
sermon your husband has ever given!"

She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks
big, but he's only tried it twice in his life! Once, before we were
married and once after........... and he fell off both times."
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post #4 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 07:47 PM
 
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post #5 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 08:48 PM
 
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A man takes his son to a bar for his 21st birthday. His son was born with a horrible birth defect - no neck, torso, arms or legs....

The man places his son on a bar stool and orders up a drink. The father holds the drink up to his son's lips and he takes his first sip of beer. Miraculously, a neck and shoulders pop out! The dad is amazed and orders up another drink - his son quickly drinks it and a left arm pops out. One more beer and a right arm pops out.

A fourth beer - torso. A fifth and sixth beer - left and right leg. Seventh beer - right foot. Now, the son is pretty drunk but orders one more drink. With tears in his eyes, the father hands his son the eighth beer in hopes that he will take his first step. The boy chugs the beer and his other foot appears!

The boy, wasted, attempts to use his new feet for the first time and hobbles to the door, outside, where he's run over by a semi truck and killed.

The bartender says "I guess he should have quit when he was a head".


************************************************** **


Two melons are talking - the boy melon says to the girl melon "we should get married". The girl melon replies "we're too young - we can't elope"

Last edited by SJAndrew; 11-09-2006 at 08:51 PM.
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post #6 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SJAndrew View Post
A man takes his son to a bar for his 21st birthday. His son was born with a horrible birth defect - no neck, torso, arms or legs....

The man places his son on a bar stool and orders up a drink. The father holds the drink up to his son's lips and he takes his first sip of beer. Miraculously, a neck and shoulders pop out! The dad is amazed and orders up another drink - his son quickly drinks it and a left arm pops out. One more beer and a right arm pops out.

A fourth beer - torso. A fifth and sixth beer - left and right leg. Seventh beer - right foot. Now, the son is pretty drunk but orders one more drink. With tears in his eyes, the father hands his son the eighth beer in hopes that he will take his first step. The boy chugs the beer and his other foot appears!

The boy, wasted, attempts to use his new feet for the first time and hobbles to the door, outside, where he's run over by a semi truck and killed.

The bartender says "I guess he should have quit when he was a head".


************************************************** **


Two melons are talking - the boy melon says to the girl melon "we should get married". The girl melon replies "we're too young - we can't elope"
Cheesy but funny
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post #7 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
 
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Walking in the woods...

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another Man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he Inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms Around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other Guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car Keys, stripped him naked, and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed To the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He Told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he Finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, Walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and said, "This Just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."

"Some people are like slinky's. They really have no useful purpose, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down stairs."
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post #8 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:51 PM
 
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Not technically a joke, but funny anyway.

A guy on an SE-R board posted a screenshot of his desktop, with a folder called "Shemale Vids" visible in the pic.

Server will be slow, this has been linked to numerous forums.
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post #9 of 298 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 08:08 PM Thread Starter
 
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Fore!
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Never argue with a Woman...

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book,"she replies, [thinking "Isn't it obvious?]
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's probable she can also think.

"Some people are like slinky's. They really have no useful purpose, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down stairs."

Last edited by Justice; 11-16-2006 at 04:49 PM.
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3 Minute Management Course...

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bulls#@! might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who s#@!'s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s#@! is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep s#@!, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

"Some people are like slinky's. They really have no useful purpose, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down stairs."
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