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Discussion Starter #1
Potentially vs. Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

One for the Teacher...
Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy, that's correct!" Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"
 

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Two muffins go into an oven. One muffin says to the other "man it's getting hot in here". The other muffin replys "Holy crap a talking muffin".
 

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Sermon on Horseback Riding


It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to
think of a sermon for the next morning.
About 9:00 p.m., he finally said to his wife,"Dear, I think I've come
up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about
horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about
horseback riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached
on just about every other subject I can think of at church."

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said,
"I can't believe that you're still insisting on doing this! You know,
if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding,
I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."

He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car!
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden
inspiration and gave a hellfire and brimstone sermon on SEX
that just had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the
members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her
window. One of them said, "Wow! You just missed the best
sermon your husband has ever given!"

She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks
big, but he's only tried it twice in his life! Once, before we were
married and once after........... and he fell off both times."
 

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A man takes his son to a bar for his 21st birthday. His son was born with a horrible birth defect - no neck, torso, arms or legs....

The man places his son on a bar stool and orders up a drink. The father holds the drink up to his son's lips and he takes his first sip of beer. Miraculously, a neck and shoulders pop out! The dad is amazed and orders up another drink - his son quickly drinks it and a left arm pops out. One more beer and a right arm pops out.

A fourth beer - torso. A fifth and sixth beer - left and right leg. Seventh beer - right foot. Now, the son is pretty drunk but orders one more drink. With tears in his eyes, the father hands his son the eighth beer in hopes that he will take his first step. The boy chugs the beer and his other foot appears!

The boy, wasted, attempts to use his new feet for the first time and hobbles to the door, outside, where he's run over by a semi truck and killed.

The bartender says "I guess he should have quit when he was a head".


****************************************************


Two melons are talking - the boy melon says to the girl melon "we should get married". The girl melon replies "we're too young - we can't elope"
 

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A man takes his son to a bar for his 21st birthday. His son was born with a horrible birth defect - no neck, torso, arms or legs....

The man places his son on a bar stool and orders up a drink. The father holds the drink up to his son's lips and he takes his first sip of beer. Miraculously, a neck and shoulders pop out! The dad is amazed and orders up another drink - his son quickly drinks it and a left arm pops out. One more beer and a right arm pops out.

A fourth beer - torso. A fifth and sixth beer - left and right leg. Seventh beer - right foot. Now, the son is pretty drunk but orders one more drink. With tears in his eyes, the father hands his son the eighth beer in hopes that he will take his first step. The boy chugs the beer and his other foot appears!

The boy, wasted, attempts to use his new feet for the first time and hobbles to the door, outside, where he's run over by a semi truck and killed.

The bartender says "I guess he should have quit when he was a head".


****************************************************


Two melons are talking - the boy melon says to the girl melon "we should get married". The girl melon replies "we're too young - we can't elope"
Cheesy but funny:lol:
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Walking in the woods...

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another Man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he Inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms Around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other Guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car Keys, stripped him naked, and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed To the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He Told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he Finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, Walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and said, "This Just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Fore!
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Never argue with a Woman...

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book,"she replies, [thinking "Isn't it obvious?]
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's probable she can also think.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
3 Minute Management Course...

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bulls#@! might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who s#@!'s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s#@! is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep s#@!, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
 

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An old guy and his wife are playing golf.

Halfway through the round, the wife says "honey, before I met you, I was a man who had a sex change operation."

The old guy looks at her and says "you bitch, and I've been letting you hit off the women's tees for all these years."
 

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The Bobbitt Hillbillies


Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone-
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She Lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.
PENIS, That Is.
Clean Cut.
Missed His Nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend.

CURVE, That is
Tossed the Nub
In the Shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

FOUND, That is
By a Fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong."
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.

WHIZZED, That Is
Even Seam,
Straight Stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

VIDEO, That Is
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya'll Sleep on Your Stomachs Now,

Ya Hear......
 

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Three Old Men

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."


"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
 

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Men's answer to Maxine

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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H! ow do y ou know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enou! gh to < BR>build up the required pressure. (My favorite)
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 

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A proper english lady is out for a ride in the country and as she passes a field she see's a farmer having sex with one of his sheep. Of course she's mortified and calls the local constables to have the man arrested.

The farmer has his day in court and is being tried by a jury of his peers. The lady is testifying and she says "and when he was done having sex with the poor sheep, it turned around and licked his private area clean!"

One of the juror's leans over to the man next to him and whispers,












"good sheep will do that"
 

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Let's start cursing...

So a little 4 year old boy say's to his 3 year old brother while playing with thier toy's in their bedroom, "You know I think we're old enough to start cursing" say's the 4 year old. The 3 year old says, "you know I think your right". So they both agree they're going to start cursing. So to begin their new stage of life, they decided to begin thier new dialogue for thier Mom at breakfast.

The Mom calls the boys downstairs, "Boy's, come down so you can eat breakfast". So the two boys scurry on down the stairs and have a seat at the breakfast table.

The busy Mom asks' the 4 year old, "What would you like to eat for breakfast?", the boy say's. "Aww Hell maa, I'll just have a bowl of Cheerio's". Before the boy can finish his sentance the Mom slaps the 4 year old accross the kitchen, as he runs upstairs screaming and crying the Mom runs upstairs after him sticking him in the closet and screams, "And don't you come out of this closet until I come up and get you out".

So the Mom comes back down stairs and leans on the table to ask the 3 year old in a feirce voice. "And what do YOU want' to eat for breakfast young man?", the 3 year old mumble's out softly, "I don't know...", the Mom begins to walk away and says, "That's what i thought". Just then the boy say's with enthusiasm, "You can bet you fat ASS it aint going to be Cheerio's!"

:willy: :willy: :willy:
 

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the new hospital adminstrator is being given a tour of the hospital by one of the doctors. as theyre passing some of the rooms she looks in one and sees a nurse giving a man in a coma a handjob.
she turns to the doctor in complete shock and says "why in the world is that nurse doing that to that patient?!"
the doctor replies, "he has a very rare and serious condition where if he does not ejaculate every hour his prostate may become backed up and he may die"
"oh" replies the adminstrator, "ive never heard of that..."
about ten minutes later she looks in another room and sees a man in a coma lying in bed with a nurse performing oral sex on him.
"ok, now why the hell is she doing that?!" she demanded.
"same condition, better health insurance
 
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