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Former Super Moderator
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Gun Control. It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the
cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the
card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make
their instructions to us seniors a little clearer

I still don't think I looked that bad.
 

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Banned
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1,499 Posts
Yer mama is so fat when she pulled up her BVDs the label spelled out boulevard.
That is the only joke I know that can be posted on a public forum.
 

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Former Super Moderator
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9,919 Posts
Testicle Therapy


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ”Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.


“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”


“Feels great,” he replied, “but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
 

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440 Posts
At the risk of being banned from here forever......"Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
 

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Former Super Moderator
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9,919 Posts
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece , but the custody of their children posed a problem.


The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.


The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.


After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:


"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"


DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!!
 

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Former Super Moderator
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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two butt holes.'

'What? He had two butt holes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two butt holes.'
 

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Former Super Moderator
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9,919 Posts
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
 

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Former Super Moderator
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9,919 Posts
A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
 

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1,499 Posts
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
 

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Former Super Moderator
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9,919 Posts
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
 

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Former Super Moderator
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9,919 Posts
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey welcome back, say WTF happened to you"

P: "Arrr matey me was in a ship fight with a treasure ship when I took a canon ball to the knee, no big deal matey"

B: "Yeah but you have a hook, what's up with that?"

P: "Arr matey, I was taking over that same ship and lost me hand in a sword fight"

B: "Okay, what's up with the eye patch?"

P: "A seagull crapped in me eye"

B: "You don't lose an eye from that!"

P: "Arrr matey, it was me first day with the hook"
 

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Banned
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1,499 Posts
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.
30% of women think their ass is too fat.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny, the remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, say he is a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world!
 
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